Exorcize the can'ts/shoulda's/hafta's from your life
In a workshop with my mentor Martha Beck, I became acutely aware of the power of the word "can't." In the small group setting, participants began to talk about different aspects of their life. Some poor schmuck (lucky it wasn't me) was the first to use the word "can't."
Participant: I hate my job, but I can't quit for another two years.
Martha: So you choose to stay in your job?
Participant: No, I don't choose to, I have to. I must (pay my bills, support my kids, etc.)
Martha: So you choose to?
Participant: I don't choose! This is my only option!
Martha: Does someone hold a gun to your head and force you to put pantyhose on every day?
Participant: No, but . . .
Martha: Would the secret service come to your door and haul you off to a dark room where you would be beaten into submission if you ever got a job somewhere else?
Her line of questioning continues until it becomes apparent what the truth is under the "can't" statement. Although I made up the dialogue (Martha is much wittier), after a number of times hearing similar discussions (and experiencing it myself), I became interested in examining the power of "can't."
Why is "can't" such a powerful word?
It seems like a small matter of semantics, but the word "can't" is an incredibly powerful thing. When you utter the words "I can't," a huge steel door comes crashing down in your brain, shutting out communication, insight, creativity and the exploration of alternatives.
I also relate the power of "can't" to the Buddhist concept of the power of words - that the words you say create a force field of energy around you and attract whatever you are saying. So if you constantly say "I can't," you attract that kind of energy around you.
The general rule of thumb is that the more you feel your blood rise and heart start beating furiously when someone challenges your "can't" statements, the greater the likelihood that getting to the truth will free your mind and probably make you happier.
Where do we learn to say "can't?"
Often our "can'ts" are shaped early in life by loved ones and our close communities. "You can't leave this community - this is where you are from." "You can't talk about God or else you will become a fundamentalist, religious fanatic." (Or the converse: "If you don't talk about God, you are a cold, immoral atheist") "You can't live your life running from job to job - you must find a career and stick with it."
To survive in a world with relentless demands and pressures, we become fluent in a language that I call "Can't-o-Neeze" (no relation to the beautiful and powerful language of Cantonese)
Can't-o-Neeze: I'd love to come to dinner tonight, but I'm sorry I can't. I have to work.
Truth: I am afraid of social situations and I would rather do overtime work with no pay then face the fear of meeting new people.
Can't-o-Neeze: I would love to change jobs, but I can't do it until my kids graduate from college in 5 years.
Truth: I have been out of the job market for so long that I have no idea how I would begin to apply for a new job in a company that I am unfamiliar with.
Can't-o-Neeze: I can't say no if a close friend or family member asks me to borrow money.
Truth: If I don't lend money to friends and family, they will get angry, stop loving me and we won't be friends anymore.
Identify the "can'ts" that get in your way and get rid of 'em!
A good place to look for some juicy "can'ts" is in areas of your life where you have continually tried to make change and found no success. They can be things like:
- Financial management (I can't live within a budget, I can't save money, I can't get out of debt)
- Career development (I can't get a promotion, I can't start my own business, I can't change jobs)
- Personal relationships (I can't get my teenagers to respect me, I can't stand up to my mother, I can't get my husband to support me emotionally)
To get to the truth about each of these areas and actually do something about them, it is often most helpful to have a close friend (who will be objective and non-judgmental) ask you "why" questions about your "can't" statements. Often you have to drill down quite a bit to get to the heart of the real truth. My friend Skip Miller uses this technique in sales situations to get to the heart of superficial buyer objections.
Example:
 | You: | I can't save money.
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| Friend: | Why?
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| You: | I never have enough left over to save after I pay all my bills
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| Friend: | Why do you have so many bills?
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| You: | I just have tons of debt, really high rent, and have to pay for expensive day care.
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| Friend: | Are there any ways you could reduce some of these expenses?
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| You: | I have tried, but I have no idea where to begin. I usually get really stressed out when I think about it and prefer to just forget about it.
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| Friend: | So maybe you are able reduce expenses and save money, you just have never learned how to do it and you need some support to think it through?
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| You: | I never thought about it that way
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| Friend: | I know a great, supportive financial planner who has really reasonable rates who could help you create good plan.
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Once you identify the real reason why you feel you "can't" do something, now you can do something about it!
Warning to friends and relatives
I have become so sensitive to this "Can't-o-Neeze" that I often subject my poor family to inappropriate bursts of emotional intensity.
Darryl and I will be having a conversation and he says something like "well, I have to do it, I have no choice."
At this point, my eyes roll back in my head and my mouth begins to foam. I see Darryl is a little frightened.
| Me: | "But honey, of course you have a choice. What you are saying is that you choose to do it."
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| Him: | No, I have to do it!
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| Me: | "Why do you have to do it?
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| Him: | Because if I don't, <name the person> will be upset with me.
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| Me: | So you are choosing to do it so that you don't upset someone.
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At this point his eyes roll back in his head and I am sure that he wonders why he ever got involved with a crazy consultant from California.
My point: don't drive your friends and family crazy. Work on yourself first and see if you feel happier and more empowered by exorcising the "can'ts" from your own life.
Good luck on the purging of your own powerful "can'ts." Let me know what you learn! pcs@ganas.com
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All the best,
-Pam
Pamela Stewart
Ganas Consulting
1155 S. Power Road, Suite 114
PMB 110
Mesa, AZ 85206
480-663-3252
pcs@ganas.com
© 2004 Pamela Stewart, All rights reserved. You are free to use material from the Get a Life eZine in whole or in part, as long as you include complete attribution. Please also notify me.
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