The abject terror of getting what you wish for.
If you have chosen to walk the path to a better life, you have probably spent a huge amount of time and energy assessing and planning what kind of life and career would make you happy and fulfilled. If, after months or years of searching, you are lucky enough to actually experience clarity, a strange thing happens. Instead of elation, you may suddenly feel something very different:
 Panic. Fear. Digestive problems. Sleepless nights.
It is often shocking for people to realize that, contrary to common wisdom and logic, once you discover your destiny, you head into an unfamiliar, confusing and often frightening territory that makes you want to back up and re-think everything that brought you there in the first place.
I got what I wanted. Now what? A visit to the emergency room.
A friend and client I will call Jim is a great example of this. He had been working for a large corporation for a number of years and from outward appearances was on a very successful career path. He had been promoted a number of times, had the respect of his peers, support of management and the opportunity to climb the corporate ladder. But inside, he felt that the corporate culture of his company was crushing his spirit and staying there was slowly extinguishing his happiness and passion.
We began a series of conversations that opened him up to the possibility of making a move to another company, and eventually returning to his homeland. He is an extremely intelligent and analytical person, and spent months assessing his skills, thinking about his interests and evaluating job options. He began to actively search in the job market, and very soon had three viable job offers that lined up with his longer term plans. After a lot of thought and reflection, he made the decision to take a job at another company, in another state.
I remember visiting Jim at his office shortly before he was going to give two weeks' notice at his current job. He looked uncharacteristically lost and unsure, and was really stressed about his impending decision.
"I think I made the right decision, but how can I be sure?" he said. We revisited all the analysis he had done earlier in his job search process. Then I asked him to check with his gut - his emotional compass that would validate his decision.
A week later, he had to visit the emergency room due to strong chest pains that he had never experienced before. All tests were negative - there were no signs of heart trouble. He decided that the accumulated stress of weighing his decisions and being in the uncomfortable "Neutral Zone" had caused the symptoms.
What Jim experienced was the abject terror of getting what he wished for. The realization that things were really going to change was downright frightening, especially in the uncertain transition phase. The good news is that he is a courageous and resilient person and made it through, and is now thoroughly enjoying the challenge of his new position in a new industry and state.
If you feel the panic, what can you do about it?
- Do your research and analysis before making a decision.
All of us are influenced by different parts of our brain - the rational and the intuitive. To meet the needs of our rational selves, it is important to do your research and know what factors, or decision criteria, you are going to use to evaluate life or career changes. I described some of these factors in the first issue of Get a Life: http://ganas.com/ezine/august04/
I also have developed a tool: "Career Decision Worksheet," which has helpful criteria for choosing between different job options. You can download it for free at http://ganas.com/resources/CareerDecisionWorksheet.xls
- Check your gut.
Martha Beck has a really great exercise for identifying your "body compass" that can help you understand and interpret your intuitive self. It is described in detail in Finding Your Own North Star, but here is the shorthand that I learned in her workshop:
- Close your eyes and deeply relax. Vividly recall an exceptionally painful or unhappy experience. Notice how this memory is making you feel, not emotionally, but physically. What bodily sensations or symptoms are connected to the negative event?
- Name this sensation with a word or phrase.
- Assign a score to this negative feeling from 1-10, with the worst possible score being a 10.
- Repeat this process, thinking this time about the very best time of your life. Notice your body symptoms, name the sensation, and assign a score.
Once you have this valuable information about your "body compass," you can use it to understand how you are really feeling about a situation. When you think about a particular decision, what do you feel in your body? Is it your "best" or "worst" feeling? What is the score? Martha says "your body never lies" and I wholeheartedly agree!
- Deal with the fact that panic and fear are an integral part of the change process.
I always crack up at our image of brave, adventurous people. We imagine them swinging on vines, knocking down boardroom walls and attacking life challenges with a knife in their teeth and a chest bursting with bravado. In my own experience, it is as far opposite from this as you can imagine. At critical junctures of my life, instead of charging forward, I wanted to curl up in a fetal position and read endless issues of People magazine rather than move one inch toward my destiny. In one particularly dramatic instance when I was moving out of my house to leave a destructive relationship, I was shaking so hard that I could hardly pack. I had to continually recite New Age, 12-step mantras aloud to keep myself from collapsing on the floor.
Even for less dramatic situations, all transition processes require you to pass through the "Neutral Zone," a term William Bridges uses in his landmark book Transitions. To quote from the book, "in this seemingly unproductive 'time-out,' we feel disconnected from the past and emotionally unconnected to the present. The most frightening stage of transitions, the Neutral Zone is really an important time for reorientation."
- Create "public" personal accountability.
I don't know about you, but I can talk myself out of doing anything if I am the only one holding myself accountable. I have been known to create entire new filing systems, redecorate rooms or do 13 loads of laundry instead of the one task that I know I need to complete. But what I learned a long time ago is that if I have a real deadline that I have communicated to someone else then I am much more likely to get it done. Childbirth is actually great for someone like me, since there is no way I can procrastinate around it! The date will not change, and it is totally out of my hands! (I will admit that this fact assisted me in finishing this newsletter 5 days before my due date!)
- When you start to find yourself questioning your decision, go back to the decision criteria that brought you there in the first place.
As you ponder a decision, you will have moments of utter clarity. Which you completely forget another day. That is why it is good that you write the criteria down. It is also good to have a trusted friend, advisor or coach to share your whole experience with who can bring you back to earth when you temporarily lose your memory.
- Remember - if it doesn't work out, you are not stuck with your decision forever!
We tend to build up decisions to such monumental proportions that we get paralyzed. What if I leave here for a new job and I hate it? What if I am a complete failure in my new business? What if I sell my house and move to another state and find that I hate it there?
The reality, is, who cares? It may be slightly humiliating to admit that you made a wrong decision and ask for your old job back, but it is not the end of the world.
The truth is, unless you have a child or complete 6 plastic surgeries as a candidate on "Extreme Makeover," most decisions are not irreversible!
When you have done the very best to make a decision, you must simply close your eyes and take a leap of faith.
There is nothing wrong with trying something and failing. It is called experimentation. It is the only way to discover new things and learn and grow. Just refer to Thomas Edison, and the oft-reported 5,000 failures he had before perfecting the light bulb.
I hope this advice helps you out when you feel panic just before undertaking a major life step. Just remember - no fear, no growth!
Speaking of panic - back up your email program!
Occasionally I do something so stupid that I want to share my experience so that no one else has to go through the agony that I did. Recently, I bought a new computer and gave my old one to my stepson, Jeff. I had transferred most of my files, but did not yet backup my email program. We upgraded the operating system from Windows ME to XP . . . and in the process, wiped out of all my important archived messages and address book! I was completely sickened to learn this. Thank God I had one Excel file lurking on my laptop that contained an export of email addresses from a few months prior when I started this ezine. Otherwise, I would have lost 8 years of business and personal contacts! Lesson: BACK UP, BACK UP, BACK UP!
Grow Get a Life in 05 - Refer a Friend!
Welcome all newcomers to Get a Life! If you know someone else who needs to get a life, send them this link to sign up.
http://ganas.com/referral
To View Past Issues of Get a Life click here
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All the best,
-Pam
Pamela Stewart
Ganas Consulting
1155 S. Power Road, Suite 114
PMB 110
Mesa, AZ 85206
480-663-3252
pcs@ganas.com
© 2005 Pamela Stewart, All rights reserved. You are free to use material from the Get a Life eZine in whole or in part, as long as you include complete attribution. Please also notify me.
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